WOW

So, it's been a long time. A long-me-forsaking time. Well, with the beginning of a new school year comes the beginning of some sort of schedule-ish. And the first week of school actually did bring some genuine God time every day. Just about 10 minutes a day, but a small start is quite a start nonetheless.
Well, I've been reading still in 1Sam. Interesting stuff. I'm actually getting into the Saul/Jonathan/David story, and things are actually hitting my heart. So, thanks God! It makes me very excited when I find things relatable and relevent.
With this new engagement thing, I've found myself just praying a lot. A LOT. A LOT LOT about my future, his future, our future, together, with God, around God, just for guidance, wisdom, blessings. This is all actually kind of terrifying, yet so exciting. God, I know these aren't the ideal relationship conditions. I'm really feeling that this is the man for me. I have complete faith in you, what you can do for us, to us, with us. If I'm wrong, I haven't felt it. Do we feel wrongness? And I know even if I'm completely about to screw up my life, that You'll help me make the best of what I put in it. Thank you.

Lucky Lightning.

So, I clearly have not posted in quite some time. Fact is, I haven't really set apart some God time for quite some time. Sorry about that! Well, while a storm came through, I sat out on the front porch, checking things out. I was watching the insta-river flow down the sidewalk, into the fresh lake at the end of the alley, listening to the windchimes on the porch as a gust of wind would plow through every few seconds. In this torrential downpour, with cloud coverage resembling the pattern of a grey wolf, thunder, lighting, and winds exceeding 40 miles/hr, a slight mist breezed in on me while I sat on the bench of our covered front porch. There was so much storm, raging around me, and yet, I was hardly impacted, what with being misted and all.

I realized, life's kinda like that. It looks so dreary sometimes, that I get worried. I worry so much about what's going on outside of my life, all of the stuff not even affecting me. Well I take it back, I'm slightly affected. I hear a news story that breaks my heart, or find out a friend has been wronged, which leads me into anger. I get so worked up, about things not in the present, things that I cannot control, that I'm sitting here, letting the troubles of this storm of life pelt me with its dew.

Or maybe, maybe the downpour is where God is pouring down his love, his time, his grace, and I'm sitting, in the mist as if this tiny fraction of Him is good enough. I'm too afraid of getting drenched to go out into the storm. I'm staying safe, on the comfy bench, watching him come down around me, while I admire the way He works in others' lives.

Maybe yet, is that the storm is life in all actuality. Maybe really is that awful, that forsaken, dreadful enough to be afraid to go outside. Maybe God is protecting me. Sure, I see awful things come and go. Once in a while, I feel a fraction of the pain that billions around the Earth feel every single day. God cannot stop me from ever hurting, from ever making a bad decision. Afterall, I am human, and humankind witnesses hurt and wrongdoing, and feels pain. But He can cover me, and keep me safe, if I let Him. Safe enough to not be washed away.


Thank you, God. For protecting me, thank you. Thanks even more for letting me feel what others feel, to know where others have been, to be able to relate to them, and to need You. Thank you for the mist.

All the cool kids are doing it!

I read 1 Samuel 8-10.
So, the Israelites want a king, more specifically, they want Sam to choose one. The Lord points out to Sam that they've rejected Him as king, which is in itself a sad state of affairs. I feel like, though, that the only reason they want a king is so they can be like every other country. In fact, Samuel warns them of the horrors that will come with this king--what he will do to his people. And it's not like he doesn't know what he's talking about. He's a prophet. Still the people said to him, "No! We want a king over us. Then we will be like all the other nations, with a king to lead us and to go out before us and fight out battles."(8:19-20)
So, Samuel anoints Saul, who he knows is going to do awful things just to please his people so they'll stop whining. So, there's this process, the people see that Saul is "a head taller" than anyone of Israel, and immediately think he's the majestic ruler of all... What in the world...

I'm guilty of this. I know what I want, and it's gonna be awesome! No, no repercussions or consequences. Nothing bad will happen. As if I didn't know better. This isn't even bargaining with God, it's straight up calling Him a liar! Something looks so great, too good to be true. And let me tell you, it is. I've definitely told God that He's wrong. This isn't gonna turn out badly, everything's going to go so well, and people will finally take me seriously.
FYI: God's not wrong. Whatever you've asked for that he's about to give you--it really is going to fall apart, and in the end, you're just going to be hurt. Because it doesn't matter. This thing that you want, just because everyone else has it... Not for you. You're meant to stand out. Granted, whenever it does crumble under your feet, He will certainly be there to help you up again. He'll be there to forgive you for your selfishness, and He'll definitely start paving the way for success if you ask Him, and if you do it His way.

Brick Wall

God, I am doing so horribly at being with you, acknowledging you... Help me concentrate in your word, read what you say, and hear your voice. Help be listen, help me be a friend. Your friend.

I get so frustrated reading the Bible. I know it's not supposed to just be a storybook. I love reading. When I can't sleep, it calms my mind, when I'm bored, it takes me away, and there are so many many interesting things to learn just from reading what's around. ... So, I can't seem to figure out how to enjoy reading the Bible. I think it's all the details that really don't seem relevant to me. I don't care how many cubits long the altar was; I don't really care to read through the whole lineage of David, and while the wars are kind of neat, knowing in which order all the countries were pillaged by God's command, and how many men were killed in each one doesn't really excite me. So, how do I get past these details to what's really relevant in my life. I still have not read the entire Bible, but I feel I know the gist of history in it. Does that even matter? All I care about now is that Jesus died on the cross for me, willingly, without a fight, and without guilt. Do I need to know how many churches Paul wrote to in order to have a better relationship with God? I don't know. How do I read the Bible in a way that makes me want to read more and more? Even when I was a brand new Christian, I never had that thirst, that motivation. Is it wrong of me to not care about the stuff that happened before Jesus, or even post Jesus? Do I really need more than Jesus's sinless death, the Father's endless mercy, and the Spirit's surrounding love and guidance?

The Basics

In youth group today, we watched a Nooma video. That Rob Bell, he's something else. Well, the kids, other adults, and I had some great discussion, basically: what makes our Faith the right one for us; of all the people to walk the Earth, who(besides Christ) has been most Christ-like; and if someone were to follow me--watch how I spend my money, what I watch on TV, who I spend time with, what decisions I make--would he see Christ in me? I think these simple three questions are ultimately what guide my decisions each day. My faith works for me because of freedom and hope. Even if I screw it up, God is right there for me. He wants to forget about anything that makes me imperfect, and let me into his holiness. There's a spot for me in Heaven, no matter how messed up I make things. And I don't need a schedule or map of when and how to worship or draw near. He gives me the freedom to seek Him anyway I please. It's fantastic.

thank you God for your endless supply of mercy, and forgiveness. Even though I know you take me as I am, I still want to be better because of you. Guide me to be the best you know I can, to be so Christ-like in every day, that people see you. Please, make every encounter an opportunity to better someone else as well as myself.

My Whole Self

1Samuel 7

3: "If you are returning to the Lord with all your hearts, then rid your selves of the foreign gods and the Ashtoreths and commit yourselves to the Lord and serve him only, and he will deliver you out of the hand of the Philistines."

Wow. That is very difficult. Get rid of foreign gods. Not that I've been bowing down to the shrine of Michael Jackson in my room or anything. I know I hear this all the time, "Lose yourself and you will find Me" bit. If I am really returning to the Lord, with all my heart, ALL my HEART, it should be easy to get rid of all this crap that I spend such huge portions of my day on. With ALL my heart? If I don't, then I'm not delivered? I want to be delivered. I waste so much time, God, so much time that I could be using to spend time with you, to live in a way that's pleasing to you, to worship you. It takes a little at a time, I think. I could definitely start with being a better student--to do my work as if being a student, doing homework, and reading ahead, as if that were to advance your kingdom. Isn't that what you say? Work at everything as if it were directly serving you. I way need to get a better grasp on this serving you thing, this living all the time, spending every moment with a purpose. Then, I know I will be delivered out of my Philistine.

What in the world?!

1st Samuel 4-6 (NIV)

It's often hard to read a chunk and really pull meaning out of it. It's also pretty difficult to say what I got out of the passage without just doing a synopsis of the events. I guess I can start there, though. ...
Basically, Israel (land of Samuel, Eli, etc) fights Philistine, Philistine kicks their butts and now has the ark of God's covenant. Eli's sons both died in battle, on the same day, just as God said they would. Upon hearing the news, Eli, now blind, falls, breaks his neck and dies. Phineas(one of Eli's sons)'s wife goes into early labor, dies, named her kid Ichabod, which means "no glory."
Philistines have the ark, plagues start happening, people are dying, they pass it on to some other country. These people get tumors, other plagues, start dying, ark gets tied to two cows who bring it back to Israel. Oh, I can't forget that while Phil had the ark, they put it in their god's temple who later lost his hands and head while apparently involuntarily worshipping the ark.

This passage mentions an awful lot this idea of the Lord's "heavy hand" being on the people while they had the ark. I'm not entirely sure what this means, I just get this mental image of God spanking all of the Philistines. Whenever I think about God's heaviness, it's really when I feel a definite heavy presence. That's why this "heavy hand" is bad business kind of confuses me. I mean, isn't the ark the ultimate God presence anyways? What are the Philistines being punished anyways? They were attacked by Israel, land of the screw-up sons. In fact, the Phils were the ones who helped carry out the prophecy of Eli and his sons dying. They basically earned the ark. Maybe I just don't realize the history of the Philistines. Are they bad people?

God, ... I know I don't get it very often. I am very often left wondering what in the world this has to do with my life. ... Please God, reveal to me the message. The relevancy.


I realize this was a complete ramble. My goal isn't to articulate or to teach, just express my thoughts to get them out of my own head. Sorry. Well, not really.

Drop it like it's fragile

1Samuel 2:27-3

Eli was responsible for the actions of his sons... Yikes. So, does that mean I am held responsible for those I teach? I can hardly keep myself on track. I thank God that I live in the New Testament world, where I am given forgiveness simply by asking for it.
I can definitely relate to Samuel not knowing the voice of God when he heard his name called. So many times, I tell God I'm listening, and then turn up the music. I ask why He's not speaking to me, when often he's yelling out to me. Granted, it's not the same situation--Samuel actually heard his name called, and simply didn't realize it was God. So, do I just ignore Him altogether? I don't even hear Him. I think that's why I have initiated Project: Closer. That's a really dumb name, I just put it down on the spot. That's not actually what I'm calling this...
Anyways, my favorite quote from this passage (3:19): "The Lord was with Samuel, as he grew up, and he let none of his words fall to the ground." NIV I know that's not literal-you can't drop a word, unless you physically write it down, then I suppose you can. How many times, though, have I read the Word, or knew what God was telling me, and just dropped what He was telling me.(Do rhetorical questions get question marks?) Samuel actually took God's words to heart. He used them in his daily life, no matter what. He didn't care if it wasn't fun. All of Israel knew that he was a prophet of the Lord because of this lifestyle. Lord, help me be that example. I don't want to be famous. I just want to be that much of a servant for you. Help me to hold on to your words.