I'm failing miserable, yet again.

I have failed in any meager attempts to not watch TV and to stay off Facebook. Not that I didn't kind-of try... I haven't turned on the TV by myself. It happens to be on an awful lot when my housemates are home, and it's hard to escape, I guess. My cousin was due to give birth at any moment, so I'd been checking le livre de visage every day, and definitely happened to notice everything else that's been going up. Oops. Well, that doesn't mean I can't try again everyday... Starting tomorrow?
Sorry God. This not wasting time thing isn't working out so well. I still haven't spent much time hanging out with you. ... When am I going to be inspired? ... That was dumb.
Well, I'm off the waiting list, and have been accepted to my #1 grad school choice, a few states away. Marriage is approaching ever so much closer, and plans have not really taken much of a flight. But really, what's the worst that could happen? I have something to wear, a place to wear it to, a groom, people who know when to come, and my main food. So, if all else goes to Hell-in-a-handbasket, I would say that it's gonna be ok. So, I graduate, get married, and ship off to grad school to start my finally-really-away-from-home-appear-to-be-grown-up life. We'll see how this goes.

Plans? Forget about 'em!

Lent has begun. I was on spring break this week, so I've excused myself from my personal obligations until its end. I also got news from the out-of-state schools I've applied to. I was very confident about one, Wichita, and *meh* about the other, Madison. Madison said no. Alright. I was put on Wichita's waiting list. Umm, what?! Really? Cuz I went to visit, the head of the department(who happens to be friends with the head of the department I'm attending currently) doted on me, making sure I knew that GA positions were saved for out-of-state students, smiling and laughing with me the whole day, and telling me personally she looked forward to receiving my application.
I want to get out of this state. Not of mind. Physically, the state I live in. I was born here, I've been here my entire life, and I'm ready to get out and try life away from everything I know. I'm getting married, and I would love the chance to start life with my husband in a new place, to discover ourselves and each other in a completely new environment. I want out. It is excellent that I have a guaranteed spot in the grad program here, but this is the last place I want to be. I guess my wants are not always His. Why can't I have it all? A new life in a new place? Would I have been able to make it elsewhere if I weren't getting married? Or is this God's way of telling me that I need to stay here, that I will do good things here. Here? Really? This place is awfully crummy. But so were the fisherman.

But why am I saying this? I'm on the waiting list. That's not no. That's, "There's still a chance. There are just people who look better on paper than you. Once some of them say 'no thanks' we'll get back to you." Does that make me sound pitiful? Maybe. But I have a backup. I should be grateful. I'm going to school. I guess I'm just waiting to see if "God's plan" for my life is to stay where I am and continue doing what I am? Is a denial letter what I need to see what He wants for me? Am I really that stubborn, God? I need to know that I'm not good enough for others to realized that you have different plans for me. This is not exactly a self-esteem booster. Yikes. Ok, now I'm rambling. I just... I guess I've always wondered how I would know when God was telling me what he wanted for me in my life. Now it seems so clear, that if I end up being accepted in Wichita, my first choice, I will be completely confused. Are no options the only sign? Or will He give me choices even if one of them won't lead to happiness?
God, your will be done. And let me know what I should do. Thanks!

This is forreal

So, I'm partaking in this Bible study this semester, "What does the Bible tell us about the Church?" It's nice sometimes. I have to admit, it's kind of hard to keep track of what I speak about and read about in the Bible, when I'm only doing it Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings. I like to lead myself to believe that I spend all my time doing actual work, but I don't. I waste a lot of it. I think I have actually mentioned that for Lent I may be giving up TV. Well, I'm pretty sure it's gonna be legit. I'm thinking of different media in fact. Movies, including online. Really, online places I waste a lot of time such as Facebook, or random search surfing. I will limit my use of the internet as well. No Facebook, or other social, not-needed sites. Basically, anything directly school-related (email, research), legitimate and immediate wedding concerns and needs, and maybe this site, for self-release and documentation. This is happening. I will see how much more I get done, and subsequently, how my relationship with God grows. Or how I'm hoping it will grow. We'll see. Lord, grant me peace, patience, and endurance. Oh, and love and wisdom. Thanks!