Replaceancy

     I have to start every Bible reading with a prayer. Not "have to" as in a ritual, or belief system, but to ask God to help me focus on the words in front of me. Today's was, "God, help me focus, meditate, and relate. Thank you."
     I'm still reading Elihu's responses to Job (chap 35-37). He totally called Job out, saying, "Job opens his mouth in empty talk, he multiplies words without knowledge," 35:16. I'm beginning to think that Elihu is in fact the wise one, despite his age, or lack thereof.  This gives me great hope. I'm also still failing to see how Job is ever so faithful, and am finding Elihu to be boss of this book At this moment, Job has not lived up to the faithful man his reputation sets out--but I feel that may change after some encouragement from this young man.

"The godless in heart cherish anger...They die in their youth and their life ends in shame." 36:13-14 He also allured you out of distress into a broad place... and what was set on your table was full of fatness (v 16).
     I was raised in a household of anger, violence, and poverty. We went to church every Sunday, my mother, my brothers and I. Basically every other moment in our home was filled with anger, hate, fear, desperation, longing, and a small amount of brotherhood between the siblings. It was a long time before I recognized that these feelings and the concept of God and Church were incompatible. It's actually something I'm still working within my heart today.
     Anyway, I somehow caught some luck in the parent divorce/mom-turn-around timeline, and got caught up with a church that helped me find a relationship with God on my own terms. My brothers were not that lucky, I have huge doubts that Dick can physically walk into a church, and I'm honestly not sure where my mom stands currently. I am still very much on that journey today, and though no day is perfect, I have been so blessed since that point in time. I have not gone without, and have had excess that has helped me to accomplish everything I have. To me, God is the only explanation. I am so happy in my life (taking away begrudging feelings about the life of a grad student), and look so forward to what lies ahead of me. I'm not sure anyone else in my family has that, and I feel guilt over that each day. How did I come to be so blessed while everyone else is settling for stability? 
     Much of the anger has disipated disapated dissipated, and all of our actions are evident of that. Like I said, I still struggle with that, but I've seen the change God has made in me, just over the past five years. I hate to think about how long it took for me, with God, to come this far, and relate that to those I love most, who do not have that relationship. I pray for them each day often, that they find that peace, through God. I pray for myself as well, that the burden I feel for my family be constructive. I cannot handle on-going empty guilt and anxiety for the situation, so I ask You, God, help me know my place. Open hearts and minds, take over the anger.